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5 Ways John Prendergast Could Help Darfuris Other Than Fasting

May 20, 2009

5. Donate the money he spends on hair products to an organization that gives Darfuris food. SDAP “experts” calculate that he could feed each of 10,000,000,000 people a mini-fridge full of “delicious” Hot Pockets every day with the money he spends on pomade alone.

Write this down, son: Wash, rinse, repeat, condition. Always condition! (Flickr)

"Write this down, son: Wash, rinse, repeat, condition. Always condition!"

4. Make another video with Nicole Richie or whichever B-lister is returning his calls these days, but here’s the catch: This time, he should actually take the time to watch it before posting it on the internet. That way, he can edit out parts that are an embarrassment to his cause, like when Richie says “…we are not as ignorant as people think we are, we simply don’t know…” Stunning.

3. Debate one of the save Darfur movement’s many detractors and actually win for once!

Whoa, hold on a minute. What do you mean you “heard it was a perm?” I’ll stab you while you sleep! (Flickr)

"Whoa, hold on a minute. What do you mean you 'heard it was a perm?' I’ll stab you while you sleep!"

2. Dance on the street corner to Destiny Child’s Bills, Bills, Bills while people throw change into a hat. Donate the proceeds to an organization that supplies Darfuris with hair extensions.

Hell yeah! A sassy, black woman like John would totally own that song! On a side note, what the hell is an “automobill,” Beyonce? Huh? I’ll tell you exactly what it is: It’s a word you made up to distract us from your hideous outfit! I know you need to keep your mother involved in your career somehow, but puh-leez stop letting her design your costumes! That pink thing is the fashion equivalent of being diagnosed with AIDS and cancer at the same time, then being punched in the crotch by the doctor, then finding out your insurance won’t pay for treatment. It looks like something Japanese school girls will wear in the future. Hello Kitty meets Mad Max…and gets molested by him.

1. Sell friendship bracelets he made at summer camp on the side of the road and donate the money to a Darfur-related charity…until a stranger with a goatee invites him to climb into the back of his windowless van, drives him to an abandoned pork fat refinery and mercilessly shaves his head, leaving his lockless carcass for dead alongside the road where a friendly retired couple finds him and nurses him back to health, then introduces him to their daughter who makes pottery, spins yarn from alpaca wool and who, through patience, understanding and pretty, pretty ponies, eventually teaches him to love again and overcome the trauma of being forcibly shorn.

Yeah. All of those things would be more helpful than jumping on the fast-for-Darfur bandwagon. You know why? Because fasting works when famous people do it to draw attention to a cause! That’s why it worked for Gandhi and Hugo Chavez. I’m no sucker for gratuitous celebrity piety, but please let Mia Farrow et al just do their thing on this one. Watching Johnny Boy try to include himself in this is actually kinda sad. Like when a nerd tries to sit at the cool kids’ table. You just know that some jock is gonna give him a wedgie and make him cry, but you don’t have the heart to explain to him why he won’t fit in with the popular crowd. So you just avert your eyes and hope, for his own sake, he learns that he doesn’t belong there before he makes a fool of himself.

But at least he’s a fabulous fool, right?

Then sometimes, I use mousse instead of gel!  What can I say?  I like to live on the edge! (Flickr)

"It’s a multi-step process, you see. First I apply serum while it’s still damp, then mousse, then I blow dry…"

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