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Does John Norris hate you? Take the quiz!

July 1, 2009

If his writing is any indication, John Norris is an angry, angry man.  Take, for example, his recent blog post responding to Andrew Natsios’s op-ed in the Washington Post.  Norris lambastes him brutally, using terms like “morally repugnant” and saying that “Natsios criticizing Obama’s approach to Sudan is akin to Don Rumsfeld coming out of retirement complaining that the administration is handling Iraq poorly.”  It’s almost like a SDAP blogger wrote it, only it’s not funny, incisive or valuably insightful in any way.  In his defense, I would be angry too if my head looked like a bust of Frankenstein’s monster sculpted from raw hamburger meat.

Where will YOU be when diarrhea strikes? (Flickr)

Where will YOU be when diarrhea strikes?

So what’s up with all the venom?  And, more importantly, could you be the next target of Norris’s vitriol?  It could happen, gentle reader.  There’s no tellin’ when he’ll get a hankerin’ to go after you in an ENOUGH Project blog post.  So, as a public service, I’ve examined possible risk factors for inciting Norris’s scorn and have created a short quiz to help you better understand your likelihood of suffering the wrath of Norris:

1.  Are you Andrew Natsios?
A. No.
B. Yes.
C. No, but I’m the president of the Andrew Natsios’s Mustache Fan Club.  I love it!  It’s like he has a caterpillar above his lip.

“Oh Andy!  I wish I knew how to quit you!” (Daylife)

"My other mustache is your mom."

2.  Are you banging John Norris’s wife?
A. No.
B. I did once, but it was before they met.
C. Funny you should ask.  What do you think I’m doing right now?

“Why did she have to cheat with Mittens!  You know what they say: ‘Once you go orange tabby, you never go back!’ What will I do?!”

“Why did she have to cheat on me with Mittens?! You know what they say: ‘Once you go orange, you never go back!’ Oh God why, Cuddles? WHY?!”

3. Are you one of “Bashir’s best buddies?” (i.e. Did you have any concerns at all about the ICC arrest warrant issued against Bashir?)
A. No!  Bashir needs to be punished at all costs, even if it delays peace in the region!  USA! USA! USA! Shock and awe, baby!
B. Yes.  Though I appreciate the idea of justice, I believe that we need to seek a political solution to the conflict.
C. Yes.  Furthermore, I publicly discuss those misgivings and am a well-respected Africa scholar and voice of dissent in the Darfur advocacy community.

4.  In March, 13 aid groups were kicked out of Darfur in retaliation for the ICC indictment against Bashir, which is exactly what people who had misgivings about it said would happen.  Do you think the Darfur advocacy community should have offered some kind of mea culpa, acknowledging that those critics of the ICC were right?
A. No.  The fact that Bashir is evil enough to kick out those agencies is just proof that we need to push even harder for ICC justice.
B. Now that you mention it, yeah.  They can’t push for something and then not take responsibility when things don’t go as planned.
C. Not only do I feel that way, I write a blog that points out exactly that type of hypocrisy within the save Darfur movement.

5.  Do you think that everything happening in Africa is analogous to Yugoslavia and that the two should be compared even when the metaphor seems inappropriate?
A. Yes!  As they say, “all roads lead to Sarajevo.”  No, wait.  That’s not right…
B. Sometimes, but people should refrain from drawing false analogies.
C. No.  Furthermore, I think Norris’s willingness to assume that the two places are analogous is a testament to his lack of expertise on Africa.

6.  Do you agree 100% with everything the ENOUGH Project says?
A. Yes!  ENOUGH is God!  John Prendergast for president (of Sudan)!
B. Well, no.  I have concerns with some of their policy prescriptions, like how they seemed to emphasize military intervention when discussing the different “doors” in their Blueprint for Peace Activist Briefing.
C. No.  I have grave concerns with their whole approach to foreign intervention.

7.  Do you find jowly, middle-aged windbags with bad skin attractive?
A. Absolutely!  It’s even better if they’re peri-geriatric sweat factories whose hair looks like they just got electrocuted.
B. Not particularly.  I guess a nice personality can make up for a lot of physical defects, though.
C. Ew!  Gross!  Kill it with fire!

8.  ENOUGH’s recent blog posts about Gration, like Who’s the Boss, are:
A. Brilliant!  Gration must go!
B. Very interesting.  The movement seems to be struggling with how to be critical of the Obama administration.  Obama merits ENOUGH’s criticism because he’s doing even less of what they want than Bush did, but all these liberal non-profits tend to have close ties to Democratic politics, so they’re between a rock and a hard place.  If Norris’s post is any indication, the (non)solution is to go after people within the administration as opposed to the administration as a whole.
C. Exactly what B said, only I’ll add that the fact that ENOUGH is part of the Center for American Progress, a liberal think tank, and that some ENOUGH Project employees may be seeking jobs within the administration may make it even harder for them to criticize President Obama directly.

9.  Ladies, describe the perfect man.
A. A boorish, arrogant jerk.
B. A sweet, caring guy who’s kind to animals and children.  Good taste in ties a plus.
C. Anyone who works at Resolve Uganda!

10. Would you ever order lotsa copies of a book you don’t need because it was written by John Norris?
A. Absolutely!  Friends, family, and colleagues would just love it as a Secret Santa gift. (And I wouldn’t even draw attention to the fact that they aren’t selling well.)
B. I want to help out but I can only afford so many.
C. No.  If his book is any good it’ll sell itself.  Let the market decide.

ANSWERS:

Mostly As: Congratulations!  Norris only has mild disdain for you!  He won’t write about you at all because you aren’t worth his time.

Mostly Bs: He hates you.  He’ll write horrible things about you within the next 3 months.

Mostly Cs: He really, really hates you.  Expect to be verbally abused in his next post.

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